Nothing Ever Happens To Me

My head fills up with words
They tumble to the floor
But they don’t seem to make
That much sense any more
I want to go out shopping
But I can’t get out the door
Because somebody’s nailed all of my
Shoes to the floor

There’s a lot of things happening in the big wide world
But none of them ever happens to me

I want to go to the bathroom
But someone’s in there all the time
I bang on the door but they say
"Wait in the line"
Then someone called the riot squad
And when I heard the sirens whine
I said "Don’t you know the Prime Minister
Is a very good friend of mine?"

There’s a lot of things happening in the big wide world etc.

When I met you baby
We were both so alone
You held me so tightly, girl
That you bruised all of my bones
I promised that I’d call you
But whenever I get home
The house is full of people
Who all want to use the phone

There’s a lot of things happening in the big wide world etc.

I was in the steamy kitchen
I was trying to cook some meat
Food poisoning victims
Were dying round my feet
And the head chef’s little daughter
She was so young and sweet
But when her daddy tried to poison me
I ran off down the street

There’s a lot of things happening in the big wide world etc.

I ran for about an hour
Then I got a lift in a van
The driver took a look at me
And said "Where you going, man?"
I said "Anywhere that’s away from here
Please take me as far as you can
Take me to Bristol or Brighton or Blackpool or Bradford
Or Bournemouth or Birmingham"

There’s a lot of things happening in the big wide world etc.

I got back about four this morning
And I crept in like a rat
Read through all the letters
That were lying on the mat
Life’s much the same all over
It took me this long to realise that
And home is just another word
For some place to hang your hat

There’s a lot of things happening in the big wide world
But none of them ever happens to me
Nothing ever happens to me